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14 September 2012 @ 01:29 am
I had not been to Toys 'R' Us in some time. Come along and see what was new.

Dracula + hot rod hearse + zombie chauffeur + bowler-wearing, dynamite-tossing British gentleman on motorcycle = best Lego set ever, or best Lego set ever ever? Beyond that, it's nice to see Lego combating the emasculation of the vampire genre. Dracula isn't one for high school, being wrapped up in angsty teen issues - he clearly belongs aboard hot rod hearses, in space, or on the covers of disco records.

Wow! Do I want a Klaw action figure? Absolutely! Would I like Terrax's left leg? Sure! Just tell me how mu-


You know, I realize inflation is everywhere, but have we really come to this? Even Kay Bee Toys would've been ashamed to charge $20 for a 6-inch action figure. Kay Bee Toys! A retailer that charged people their souls for off-brand batteries.

Now here, on the other hand, is some bang for your buck. Not many people seem to remember the Get Along Gang, and that's unfortunate, since they once seemed every bit as omnipresent as, say, the Shirt Tales.

Granted, it's likely been at least 25 years since I've seen this show, and it probably borders on awful, but nostalgia conquers all. Also, don't tell me you don't remember the Shirt Tales. Jesus.

More spectacular value in the Toys 'R' Us DVD section. You would usually look at this and say, "Wow, No Holds Barred for only $12.99? What a bargain. That is a bargain for me. I think I will buy some." So just imagine your surprise when you found the added bonus of Hulk Hogan: The Ultimate Anthology. You’re practically stealing from the store at that point, and would feel bad, if not for the fact that they’re charging $20 for action figures.

No Holds Barred. My mom had to sit through a lot of bad, bad movies in the 1980s.

Ninja versus gladiators? Why not? Exactly who buy Schleich toys, anyhow? The aisle has somewhat of an effete aura, as though it's really intended for blazer-wearing private school kids and not us plebeians.

On top of that, these toys seem to be considered "educational," but here they are, mixing ninjas with gladiators, and then calling it scenery.

So, Domino Rally has returned. You know, I'm not sure if the contents of a modern toy aisle are fueled mainly by nostalgia, or if companies have simply run out of ideas, but it's amazing how much things have come full circle. With that said, Domino Rally was never much fun, unless you enjoy painstaking work, shoddy, unreliable materials, and very little payoff. They’re not even real dominoes!

And somewhere, the Spiral Zone license is just sitting there, gathering dust.

Back aboard the Toys 'R' Us value train. No, $29.99 for an action figure still isn’t cheap, but, at 14 inches, he’s more than twice the height of Klaw, and only 50% more expensive.

Plus, he's Mumm-Ra, and Mumm-Ra to cash conversion rates are typically much higher. Don't talk to me about Terrax's left leg, either. Screw Terrax's left leg. This thing is awesome. He's better than a 1,000 copies of Terrax's left leg.

Stubby KITT and Lego-esque Hasselhoff? I’d honestly rather have the old KITT toy, the talking one that you could stuff a GI Joe into (because KITT and Flint are the ultimate team), but I suppose this works, too. Besides, it's 2012, and there's Knight Rider crap in Toys 'R' Us. It still makes for a good day. The current generation of children must be so confused in this store.

Classic Ninja Turtles are back as well, looking quite a bit more refined than their 1988 counterparts. Strangely, the only ninja turtle left in stock was the best ninja turtle. It would be like serendipity, but, being broke, it’s more like sad irony.

Not to be outdone, meanwhile: the original anthropomorphic, martial arts-practicing animal hero (Journey to the West fans, your claims are baseless). Again, this character is probably foreign to most kids, but new properties don’t really stand a chance when it’s the nostalgic parents who have all the money. Shut up and get me some Hair Bear Bunch toys, stat.

Ah. All these years have done a small bit to help April’s fashion sense (yellow jumpsuits were never in), but have apparently been hell on the shape of her head. And why does she have a ninja arsenal? Is April actually practicing martial arts now, or was adding weapons their ploy to make a more enticing action figure? Boys, if you absolutely need weapons to find the female characters interesting, you’re just not old enough yet.
(Deleted comment)
Commodore Dusklance_prevert on September 16th, 2012 08:19 am (UTC)
It certainly does sound like a crime worthy of disownment. Shunning quality toys is bad enough, put to pick something in their stead that has little or no lasting play value...

Then again, having witnessed his "anything will do" shopping approach at Disney World, I guess this isn't terribly surprising. -_-

"Knuckleheads," if I'm looking at the right thing, are novelty jacks? Yes, you definitely got taken as a child, too. ;D
夢の天使 - Angel of Dreams: Pink Butterflyyume_no_tenshi on September 14th, 2012 11:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this carefully-disguised warning. I was just thinking about going to Toys R Us, and now I know that if I go, I will come out broke and with a bunch of stuff that I don't need or have room for. :D
Commodore Dusklance_prevert on September 16th, 2012 08:28 am (UTC)
Pshaw... You could fit countless copies of Terrax's left leg in the space otherwise reserved for a DDR machine. ;D

But budget is always an issue, yes, since they just keep making more and more cool stuff. Probably for the best to never learn about it at all.